Early last week, I was awoken to a phone call from New York Knicks President Donnie Walsh, asking me if I’d like to come to New York on an invite to Mike D’Antoni’s press conference. Sadly, I had spent the previous day at the clinic and had been diagonosed with a new STD, so, I was unable to attend. Thankfully though, being part of MS-13, I just hollared at my cholo 0signal and sent his vato ass to NY to chill with Mike and his players. He was able to record their first player/coach meeting, so, check out the transcript 0Signal brought back.

(Inside Madison Square Garden, where newly named Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni is having his first meeting with his new players at 6 p.m. on Tuesday)

Mike D’Antoni: It’s a pleasure to meet all of you. I know it’s been some lean seasons with the Knicks in recent years, but I see the talent on this roster to make a playoff run. We all saw what the Atlanta Hawks did against the Boston Celtics. With my schemes and our talent, that could be us.

MD: Whatever you guys do in the offseason, I want you think “That could be us.”

(Renaldo Balkman, David Lee, Malik Rose, Mardy Collins and David Lee make up the front row. The rest of the roster sits further back, all firing text messages and/or blaring their iPods)

MR: You hear that guys? Free at last! Free at last! Good God almighty, we are free at last!

(dead silence)

MD: This is normally the time during the introduction where I detail what this system is about. What we’re trying to do is go up-tempo, take a lot of quick, high-percentage shots and overwhelm teams with volume shooting.

MD: As far as defense goes, I normally treat that part of the game the way Darren McFadden treats condoms, but I’ve seen tapes of you guys playing defense and there won’t be any adjustments we need to make. But don’t foul people. If guys want to dunk or shoot layups, let them. Fouling guys slows the game down.

Jerome James: *Raising hand*

MD: Yes Jerome?

JJ: Jerome was told that there would be punch and donuts.

MD: There won’t be punch and donuts. We figured that was the only way we could make sure you showed up.

JJ: This information makes Jerome sad. May Jerome leave now?

MD: No. Sit down and shut up. You’ve proven great at that.

Eddy Curry: The fuck, coach? No donuts? No punch? Is this the Knicks or not? If I don’t get a cheeseburger soon, there’s gonna be blood, guts and ass all over this locker room and none of it will be mine.

MD: That’s great, Eddy. That’s the sort of aggression we’ll need out of you in the post.

ZR: Coach, is there a Cliff Notes version of this meeting? It’s free cover until 7 p.m. at Scores.

MD: Dadgummit. No, Zach. It’s going to be a long offseason. You’ll have plenty of time to visit Scores.

(Stephon Marbury arrives 15 minutes late. His clothes are rumpled and he reeks of Northern Lights.)

SM: Ah-haaaaa. We meet again, Coach Muppetface.

MD: You again? Nobody mentioned you. You weren’t on game film.

(Marbury’s cell phone is blowing up with a ring tone of “Fire Isiah!”)

SM: You got Starbury…

MD: (trying to restore order to the meeting) I’ve read some of the criticism in the press in recent days about how what you guys do can’t jibe with what I want to run. I don’t buy that. I see potential and I see talent.

MD: Nate Robinson. I see you and I see Steve Nash with hops. Zach, I want you to be our Amare Stoudemire. Eddy, I squint really hard and toss back a few Long Island Iced Teas and I see Shaq after a few hours at the Chinese Buffet. Renaldo, you can be our Raja Bell.

DL: And me coach?

MD: You’re like Shawn Marion. Only without the chronic whininess and that jump shot that looks like something a developmentally disabled high schooler came up with.

SM: And me, coach? How does Starbury factor into this equation?

MD: You? You can eat shit. Seriously. I look at you and I see evil.

MD: What I’d really like to do is run the offense through Boris Diaw. He’s a tough matchup for a lot of teams, is unselfish, has soft hands, is great with children, makes a great pesto salad…hey, where is Boris?

JJ: Jerome thinks you were misinformed, coach.

SM: They straight played you. Mark-ass trick.

EC: Boris Diaw? He can come over if he brings some crepes and frog legs. I haven’t eaten in 30 minutes.

MD: It’s in my contract. “We, the undersigned, the New York Knicks do solemnly swear to acquire Boris Diaw in an effort to facilitate Coach D’Antoni’s offense.” Where’s Boris?

MD: Oh…here’s the fine print. “In the event a trade proves undoable, the Knicks will offer Coach D’Antoni a Madison Square Garden intern of his choice.” Well, that’s not how we ran things in Phoenix, but hey, I’m an easy-going guy.

SM: Coach, it’s the best. I’m talking kung-fu grip. Yessir.

MD: Well guys, that wraps it up. It’s been great meeting all of you and I look forward to getting to know you as players and as people.

(players make a quick exit, leaving D’Antoni alone in the locker room)

MD: What the hell was I thinking? I wonder how many $25 dollar martinis a $30 million contract can buy…Maybe I should ask around for Vin Baker.

Tags: Basketball, EBsports, Mike D'Antoni, NBA, New York Knicks

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